Spells

Ellie Davies gets me

Do you ever get an itch in a place you can't reach?  Please tell me it's not just me.  There are a couple of options when this happens.  A person can ignore the itch, but I am not that person.  There is sometimes the option of finding (or declaring some existing feature of one's available environment) a scratching post to scratch yourself against, but this is not always practical or appropriate given the social situation or the location of the itch.  One could overcome one's reticence and ask someone in the immediate vicinity to find the compassion within their heart and the communal ape within their bosom to act as an extension of one's mind and perform the scratch for one, but in these too divided yet too apathetic times, success in the quest for a volunteer is not always assured.

For me, the answer to this, and to so many other quandaries, is witchcraft.  It so happens that regardless of what ails you, no matter what plagues you, for whatever you lack, there is a spell for that.  For instance:

Skay-brus scab-rous
Abracadabrus
Pepsi Free and Classic Tab-rus
Hey there hi there ho there hee
Itchiness fly away from me!

Saying the above, spin anti-clockwise 3 times until you're facing east, now click the heels seven times and --- Ahhh!  Doesn't that feel a whole lot better? 

Indeed, witchcraft serves me in traditional ways as well for my more typical venal urges.  To get a refund at tax time, I prepare a tincture of owl whiskers boiled in the sweat of a toad, dab a spot the size of a hedgehog's freckle behind each ear and intone the following:

Apis Avis
Pops and Mavis
Lay some on me, Ossie Davis.

But the true function of magic is to coordinate the wills of mortals who would otherwise stand in one's path.  Quite literally sometimes:

Hocus Pocus
Big Fat Dokus
Hee-nuss Hay-nuss
Podilliokus
Land of Nod and Land of Goshen
Set this traffic lane in motion!

You'll need a branch cut from the north side of a yew tree on a full moon at midnight whilst a raven calls.  Now say the above while waving the branch three times over your head in a counterclockwise direction and you'll soon be on your way.

I am not above using my powers for good from time to time especially in these times. For instance when I'm nearing my limit watching the news, I sometimes direct my magic on the Durwood-in-Chief.  In preparation I procure the blood of a gnat, the sighs of a sparrow and the tears of a shrew.  I pour these into a vat and bring to a boil.  Add the eye of a fly and 3 warts from a whip-poor-will's knee and stir until viscous.  Now sprinkle the potion on the soul of a salamander while speaking the following:

Flea nut Peanut
Flipperty pan
Kangaroo Bangaroo
Fast as you can
Kiss me a kinkajou
Son of a monkey!
Resist these words
With the will of a junkie!
Video Radio Vo-dee-o-doh!
Who shall to the rodeo go?
Easy peasy, dopey sneezy
Bashful rashful,
Enough with the sleazy!

The one obvious question is, given the unmagical state of the world why doesn't magic work?  I think I know the answer to this:  We're all practicing it at the same time.  My good magic is being cancelled out by your sucky magic.  I'm working on a spell for this.  I'll keep you posted.