Canidae versus Felidae

The New Yorker periodically hosts a debate on the crucially relevant topic Dog or Cat?  To definitively settle the question (per the organizers' hype), they invite celebrities (New Yorker famous celebrities) outspoken in their preferences to represent their respective tribes.  Learning about one year's event, I was somewhat surprised to discover within myself a stake in the outcome.  I've had dogs and cats all my life.  I probably slightly if not more than slightly prefer the idea of cats myself (sorry, Argos), though of course I love my dog just fine (Sorry Blanche and Rizzo).  But truthfully, it's not so much dogs that bother me as do dog people.  I'm talking about the dog enthusiasts, who almost fetishize the animal, who advertise their fancy on their bumpers, who are stung when you forget to ask about their pet, who feed their dogs from their own mouth. What kind of sick fuck must one be to actually prefer the obsequious neediness of a dog to the mere is-ness of a cat?  Honestly, I like dogs in spite of their bullshit, not because of it.  But as usual, reading through the comments on the website announcing the contest, I realized that setting aside the cat vs dog question, what I really hate is people.

A few years ago, my brother who shares my ambivalence about the matter collaborated with me on a list of dog versus cat responses to a hypothetical opinion survey of preferences.  To give an indication of the time frame, we had a vague notion of seeing if we could create some viral email spam with it.  We both bristled at the internet phenomenon of the Lolcat who spoke a misspelled pidgin baby talk.  In our view, this was how humans spoke to cats.  Not how cats would speak to us if they deigned to fill us in on their thoughts.  Our view of cats and dogs was formed mostly from experience with them, but as for cultural influences, it had more in common with the Warner Brothers conception of them than the soulless Disney view.  A sample of some of the survey questions might give a flavor of our feelings on the matter:

 Food:

• Dogs: Cheerios 
• Cats: Pomegranates

Favorite Musical Artist:  

• Dogs: Carrie Underwood
• Cats: Bjork

Book:

• Dogs: How to Win Friends and Influence People 
• Cats: The Prince

Denomination:

• Dogs: Presbyterian 
• Cats: Zoroastrian 

Color:  

• Dogs: Beige   
• Cats: Aubergine

Movie: 

• Dogs: Titanic 
• Cats: Salo: 100 Days of Sodom

Number:

• Dogs: 1  
• Cats: e

Song from the 60s: 

• Dogs: Bend Me, Shape Me   
• Cats: Walk, Don't Run

Dance: 

• Dogs: The Jerk   
• Cats: The Twist

Transportation:  

• Dogs: Motorcycle Sidecar   
• Cats: Zeppelin

Vacation: 

• Dogs: Alaska    
• Cats: Easter Island

Religio-Political Philosophy: 

• Dogs: Antidisestablishmentarianism  
• Cats: Contra-antidisestablishmentarianism-ology

Midnight Snack:  

• Dogs: Dagwood Sandwich  
• Cat: The hamster

Returning to the New Yorker debate, to my memory, when audiences vote on the proceedings, dogs generally win.  If dogs only knew, they would be thrilled.   Cats, I'm pretty sure,  could give a shit.