Entitlement

Having once been entreated by a former employer to improve my position by taking a course in management-- by which I learned that I could never be that kind of person-- I have always wanted to write about the disgusting irony of the way in which the managerial class, when they think no one can overhear them, disparages the sense of "entitlement" of those they manage-- to more money or more choice in the workplace for less time-sucking, less soul-sucking, and less general sucking from their jobs.  I don't know how managerials behave in the wild, but this was what I witnessed in the classroom.  But this is not what I am referring to today by entitlement.  Instead, I'd like to talk about how to name a band, and more to the point how not to name a band.

I was inspired to write about this by hearing reference in one of my recent internet wanderings to the band named Animal Collective.  I've admired this band since I first heard about them apparently almost 2 decades ago, and though I don't know that I've ever heard a note of their music, I continue to think fondly of them, solely on the basis of their name.  Two words that distill the essence of music made for the young: the Animal part reflecting the emulation of the untamed; the aforementioned momentarily harnessed for politico-entertainment purposes into a Collective.  It's so good, I'd prefer not to taint the purity of what it evokes in me with whatever the reality of their oeuvre is.

In my experience, Animal Collective is bucking the trend toward more and more insipid band names.  Remember we're not talking about the music of any of these bands (most of which I am unlikely to be familiar with), but only about the handles by which fans may latch onto them. A few examples of the problem follow:

• Panic! at the Disco - The words in that combination are actually acceptable if you don't think too hard about it.  The punctuation, by calling attention to it, undermines and deflates it.
• fun. - We're not just a band named "Fun". We're "fun period".  
• Punctuation seems to be the death knell for a band name: cf. Against Me! The Wonder Who? Wham! 
• Death Cab for Cutie - Like the other epically horrible band name of the 90s, Toad the Wet Sprocket (itself a Monty Python reference), this one is a reference to classic British comedy, specifically a song written by another badly named band, The Bonzo Dog Doo Dah Band that was featured in the Magical Mystery Tour, a vehicle for another badly named band, The Beatles.*
• Smashing Pumpkins - When you get down to it it's a pun.  It's not as bad a pun as the Beatles, but that's pretty much all it is.  Good looking gourds.  It's the rock equivalent of Curl Up and Dye for a hair salon.  Other bad pun names: Japandroids, The Dandy Warhols, Wevie Stonder.
• Mumford & Sons - All the excitement of an Econoline van.  The "& Sons" part is lame enough, but Mumford?  (See also Dave Matthews Band; Hootie and the Blowfish.)
• In the Doesn't-Require-Elaboration Department: Imagine Dragons; Cage the Elephant; Arctic Monkeys; Foo Fighters; Greta Van Fleet; Bring Me The Horizon.  
• Childish Gambino - I am familiar with Donald Glover's work and I approve of it.  I am also aware that he purposely forwent the struggle of naming his act, opting instead to let an internet band name generator do his thinking for him.  There's artistic merit in letting the horribleness of an internet generated band name speak for itself-- not to mention legitimate credibility to be had in not giving a shit what name the internet picks for you.  Then again, we all have to live with that name.  And it is a terrible name.
• Speaking of Band Name Generators, here are some actual names generated online for the purposes of this topic: Jugs for the Policeman; Rancid Hippos of Canada; McRock; Two Inch Ladies; Puddle of Fishing Rod; Devon Revival

You would do well to ask yourself, what does this random blogger on the internet know about band names? And you would have a point if only because you do not realize that the only reason I'm just some random blogger on the internet and not a name on the liner notes of a tenth of your record collection is that my standard for a band name for myself was too high.

So what are some good band names and how do you tell a good name from a bad one?  To summarize, a good name is forever; a bad name shoots its wad the first time you hear it. Sticking mostly to bands I may be less familiar with, some of the qualities to consider:

• Some names are pleasing in their own right:  Soundgarden; Earth, Wind and Fire; Funkadelic; Art of Noise, Black Flag; Arcade Fire; Roxy Music; The Fuggs
• A well-chosen, evocative, or aesthetically pleasing reference works every time: Veruca Salt; Gang of Four; Spandau Ballet; Heaven 17; Steely Dan;  The Velvet Underground; Dead Kennedys (I realized only today that this is a pun on Ted Kennedy, which I should reject on principle, but taken at face value, it's one of the toughest names around)
• Aptness: The Supremes; The Temptations; The Miracles; The Messengers
• If you're lucky, your name corners a very unique market: Fit; Crime; Television; Felt; Hole; The Revolution; The Time; The Fall; L.A. Witch; Doll Hospital
• In fairness, here are some of the better than average names generated by the random band name generator: King Pink; Blue Syndicate; Cool Cool Cool

My twin brother thirteen has a special flare for naming bands.  His chef d'oeuvre is my favorite of all time, and I will tell you what it is if you promise not to use it.  (And if you can't promise, you have to attribute it to my brother thirteen when you get famous with it): Diet of Worms.

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* The Beetles would have been good.