Is there a loneliness epidemic among men? Is there a reason to hang on for an answer? As an inveterate YouTube lurker I am at the mercy of the algorithm. Somehow over the past month or so, I have noticed a preponderance of videos on the subject of male loneliness. My first thought on seeing a wave of videos on topics I didn't ask for is what did I do or say that YouTube overheard? My family has been away for the past month and I have been on my own (with an adult male cat as my only companion.). Did I sigh too loud one day? Am I talking to myself too much within range of a microphone connected to the Internet of Things? I'll admit the topic of male loneliness (even my own) does not interest me in the least but perhaps it wasn't me but some wave of interest in the culture at large that was behind the onslaught. Whatever the reason, the volume of titles wore me down to a nub and I eventually clicked on one at a moment of least resistance. It turned out to be a meta video about the controversy that took place on Krystal Ball and Saagar Enjeti's cross-populist Breaking Points channel and featuring apparently the leading culprit behind the trending of the topic, one "Shoes-upon-the-head", or SUTH as I'll call her.
The first thing I noticed about the Breaking Points video is that the topic is introduced as "The Epidemic of Male Loneliness" as though it is a thing. By way of introduction, the interview quotes from SUTH's video:
The men are not okay. ... Men have no friends, no girl friend, no college education, no money, are breaking their legs and inserting metal rods in their bones to be a few inches taller, and listening to AI Batman to help them overcome their pornography addictions. Turns out the society that was built by and allegedly for men has indeed let them down. Now you may be thinking "Oh look, another boo-hoo-poor-men video from Shoes-upon-the-head." Yes!
Apparently SUTH, who looks about 12 has been talking about this subject for nearly 10 years, or approximately since she was 2. Driven to the topic in reaction to what she describes as an anti-male pop-feminism online, she claims now that the left, which ignored the problem for years has only now become interested in response to a reported growth in conservatism among young men and the coming to light of the exploitation of male loneliness by such figures as Jordan Peterson and Andrew Tate. (The things and people you have to learn about to bring yourself up to speed on internet phenomena!) Meanwhile, offering herself as a preferable alternative to the "manosphere", SUTH attributes male loneliness to exactly the same thing: women (read feminism)*. On the culpability of women, she contradicts herself right in plain view in the Breaking Points video-- opening with a statistic pulled from the gut suggesting that 80% of the women on dating apps are picking the same 20% of men and five minutes later protesting that the backlash to her video must have come from those who never watched it since she refers to women (she thinks) only once, and only to say that they're also lonely. Also lonely, and if you watch her video heartless cruel emasculating harpies (except for herself) who for shallow, hypocritical reasons think if a man is lonely it's because he's a bad, undesirable person.
As someone who considers himself to be on the left, I object to the notion that I've become more interested in male loneliness. I actually found my attention waning in the course of the video, but I confess, something about this topic as presented in the Breaking Points video and in the Shoes-upon-the-head video that occasioned it cranks up the fire under the old blood boil in me. My bullshit detector went a little bit out of control as I watched both videos. It isn't male loneliness that irritates me (although I fail to find any fault in the friendly advice to lonely men to please maybe try to look a bit inward for answers before gunning down strangers at a mall). I think what irritates me is the pawning off of a dishonest right wing internet grift as concern for the health of vulnerable marks. I guess you can't really fault a gal for trying to make a living, but must we pretend the saucy dial-a-friend act is about anything other than clicks, likes and ad revenue?
Here's the thing, lonely men (and other lonely people). Living as we are at the end of history, are we not all lonely, together? If your loneliness troubles you, it may not feel this way now but you are not only not alone, you are really loved, valued and wanted. It doesn't feel this way now because we live under a system in which no one is loved, valued or wanted except insofar as they can contribute to the wealth of grifters of all kinds-- not just those on the internet. This goes for the lonely women too, and I'm talking about the lonely men and women and others of every race, creed, age, gender, orientation, education level, economic status, ability and ideology who overpopulate our unmarvelous uncinematic universe. You are loved by the system that we need to build together to replace our soul destroying, alienating, disparity-building capitalist neo-liberal hell on earth. Whatever your gender, your loneliness is a message. It is an invitation to participate in the dismantling of the barriers between us that keep us from constructing a world of our making. There is a way to begin, but it may require us to engage with each other.
It may feel sort of good for 5 minutes to listen to the strokes of a cartoon 12 year old internet buddy telling you it's not your fault (or her fault) but theirs. It feels good and then better and then oh god! crazy awesome but as AI Batman will tell you, we all know what comes after that. To hell with the shame and the clean up. To make that crazy awesome feeling last a bit longer, after looking inward for your own strength and your own juice, look outward for our common purpose. You'll find it! It's out there. Way away, beyond the computer screen, across the room, up the stairs and out the keyhole. Out beyond the gates that keep you in, alone with your loneliness. I'll meet you out there!
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| It feels good to be seen, but are you being seen or are you being jerked around? |
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