Can I Get an Amen?

Is there a correct way to install a roll of toilet paper?  The issue has been settled by Science.   No, not that way.  Not that way either.

The piece of the puzzle that was missing was discovered by a team of researchers at the University of Helsinki¹ and it's a stunner.  How do you install of a roll of toilet paper?  It depends. 

"How could it possibly depend?" you ask.  "Just put the damn thing on the wall."  Well, here's where you'd be wrong.  You must first collect and assess data about the situation.  The crucial datum is this: the distance in arm's length of the dispenser from the (you should pardon the expression) toilet.  If the dispenser is less than an arm's length -- that is, if you must bend your arm to reach it, then the toilet paper must go with paper coming down behind the roll.  You can therefore most easily engage the dispensing of toilet paper by batting the roll in the same upward motion with which you raise your hand.  At the desired length, you can swiftly tear it off with one hand using the bulk of the roll itself as the counterweight that holds everything in place long enough for the perforation to separate the dispensed length from the roll.²  If, however, the arm must be fully extended to reach the dispenser, then the paper must be installed with the length of it coming down the front of the roll. This way, a downward bat at the roll is the most efficient way to apply the force necessary to initiate dispensing.

Try this at home.  As always, wear safety goggles and ask an adult first.

You're welcome.


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Footnotes:

1 Look it up.

 2 The Helskinki researchers identified a possible exception to this rule: when the dispenser is installed  too close for the arm to be bent comfortably,  at an angle requiring an uncomfortable contortion of the wrist for retrieval of the paper, preliminary study indicates that the optimal positioning could be over the top and down the front, but there is some indication that it could be better to remove the roll from the dispenser altogether and hold it in your lap in this case, or better still to abstain from use of the toilet until the dispenser is moved to permit comfortable flexing of the arm. However, as I say, this is inconclusive and the researchers advise caution in making exceptions to the 2-pronged decision tree discussed in the article.