Let me rephrase that

Please note the following changes:

• Killing 2 birds with one stone => Empowering 2 birds with one bag of bird seed
• More than one way to skin a cat => More than one way to herd a cat.
• Throw out the baby with the bathwater => Throw out the back while throwing out the bathwater
• When it rains, it pours => When it pours, it floods.
• Old wives' tale =>  Rural legend
• Robbing Peter to pay Paul => Stiffing Jaden to venmo Skyler
• Bite the bullet => Take a topical anesthetic
• Speak of the devil => Speak of the remaining Koch brother
• The best thing since sliced bread => The best thing since socialized medicine
• Don't beat a dead horse => That comment section is closed
• Off your rocker => Off your ritalin.
• Running around like a chicken with its head cut off => Running around like a Roomba.
• Life's a bitch and then you die => I'm a bitch
• It's all fun and games until somebody gets hurt => On second thought, don't tweet.
• Jump on the bandwagon => Favorite the influencer
• So-and-so is cancelled => So-and-so is going into syndication.
• No such thing as a free lunch => Capitalism sucks
• What is the ask? =>  Ask is the what?
• Disrupting the sector => Fucking shit up
• A stitch in time saves nine => Gibble gabble gop
• A dime a dozen =>  Free shipping on bulk orders
• Indian giving => Making a treaty with first nation peoples
• Going through the whole song and dance => Giving a State of the Union
• Not playing with a full deck => Police academy material
• It's not rocket science => It's not accurate opinion polling
• It takes two to tango => You can't Zoom yourself
• That ship has sailed=> That Segway is halfway to the food court
• Mother fucker => Father mocker
• Awesome! => Stacked!
• Robust! => Awesome!
• Stacked! => Robust!
• Taking a dump => Laying bricks
• Time is money => I'll give you $20 to hurry up
• Yaas queen => Trust my opinion of you even though I'm the type of person who would adopt Yaas Queen as an expression!
• When Pigs Fly => The day after the Sanders Inauguration
• Choke the chicken => Drain the swamp  
• I'll be a monkey's uncle => Color me woke
• That screws me up => That jams my mobility scooter
• Wearing your heart on your sleeve => Rocking your pussy hat
• Sucker => Trump University Class of '08
• Rarer than hen's teeth => Rarer than sincerity from an America's Got Talent audience
• Seeing a man about a horse => Buying a drone on eBay
• Up shit creek without a paddle => At Burning man without a Selfie stick
• Two bricks shy of a load => 6 minutes short of a TED talk
• As God is my witness => As the surveillance state is my witness
• Fucking shit up => Disrupting the sector
• I can't even => Lo, it leaves me bereft of the very power to bring about the fullness of a mere sentence.  
• Turd in the punchbowl => Fart in the elevator
• The early bird gets the worm => The night owl gets the night crawlers
• Kicking the bucket => Buying the Google Glass.