Esprit de l'Escalier

Marcel DuChamp descending staircase

You had the perfect comeback to the dumbass comment directed at you at the party.  Unfortunately it didn't occur to you until you had taken your lumps, said good night with your tail between your legs and were 4 fifths of way down the 5 flights of stairs to the street.  You want to turn around, head back up, pound on the door until they let you back in and let the horse's ass have it right between the eyes.  But you imagine yourself dripping with sweat, beet red from exertion, anger and embarrassment at your compulsion and out of breath and think better of it.  Better to save it for the day you have a widely read blog where you can serve your revenge cold.  Ice cold.

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Strange older kid on the playground:  "What are you-- a fairy?"
Me:  "Nuh uh"
. . . Esprit de l'Escalier: "Yeah and a trip to Staten Island is gonna cost you."  (Pow!). 

Substitute teacher administering a math test (jumping to a wrong conclusion): "I saw you looking at her answers.  Detention for you."
Me: "I didn't do it!"
. . . Esprit de l'Escalier: "Hey, if you saw her answers you'd know they are nothing to look at."

Junior Varsity Soccer Coach: "Hey look alive out there!  Your corpse is starting to attract flies!"

Me: "You got it, Coach!"

. . . Esprit de l'Escalier: "I'm practicing for the day I become a grown up member of society just like you!"

Pedestrian trying to pass me for going too slow: "Watch where you're going!"

Me: "Sorry!"

. . . Esprit de l'Escalier: "What makes you think I'm going anywhere?"

New fat-assed corporate boss at my last firm coming in in the middle of a year of some of my best most creative work, being a corporate dick and trying to pull a fast one by completely stiffing me of a raise and bonus in our first review in his third month in the job: "You just didn't try hard enough."
Me: "I don't agree."
. . . Esprit de l'Escalier: "You would know about trying too hard since everyone knows it's what you have to do to get out of your chair whenever you want a donut."

Random YouTube commenter: "Jane Wickline is the worst cast member of SNL ever"
Me: "" 
. . . Esprit de l'Escalier: "Maybe you should examine your animal reflex to expose your underdeveloped taste to every stranger on YouTube."

State Trooper: "Did you know you were doing 25 miles over the speed limit?"

Me: "I wasn't doing math.  I was driving."

. . . Esprit de l'Escalier:  ""

Trump: "The once Great State of Minnesota is being taken over by Somali Immigrants. There is Violence, Murder, and Mayhem all over the State. The people of Minnesota must fight back. You have been robbed, and abandoned by your State Government. Your Governor is an incompetent thief who doesn't want to get involved. He just wants to get out of town with as much as he can steal, and then, lead a quiet life. The Somalians should not be allowed to get away with what they are doing. They view you as weak and stupid people. Fight back Minnesota, fight back! If you need, the Federal Government will come to your rescue.

Governor Tim Walz, and Mayor of Minneapolis, Jacob Frey, must immediately ask for Federal help — and leave the rest to us! President DONALD J. TRUMP"

Me: "Well I never!  The absolute nerve of this guy!"

. . . Esprit de l'Escalier: "Do you ever think about the day you're going to have to start paying for everything you've ever said or done in your wretched, disgusting life?  I curse you to never stop thinking about it."